Do I need to keep my “Progress Report” cards from Kindergarten that say I need improvement in accepting responsibility under “Social and Emotional Development” –ditto for “Skills and Interests” –this includes:
- Expresses Ideas Clearly in Art (apparently I’m still working on this. . .)
- Shows Muscular Control in Use of Tools & Materials (what the Crayola???)
- Learns Songs Easily & Likes to Sing (no comment)
- Displays Physical Coordination in Rhythms –they left this blank. (Probably my biggest skill since I always wanted to be a dancer and no credit of any kind)
Moving on to “Mental Development” I had a bit of trouble completing tasks and following directions. That’s probably still true but I could recognize my own name in Manuscript and enjoyed stories, poems and books. Counting to 10 was also achieved without room for improvement. By the end of the year I had greatly improved to “Satisfactory Progress” on all counts. This is called learning the art of conforming when it matters for approval. Teacher or Parental. Sheesh. It struck a cord. A forced right-hander too but no check for that box.
On to the Report of Progress for 1st grade. Lots of 2’s especially in my health habits and posture. I was also a bit dubious in self-control, working well on my own and being considerate of others. Really? Why all the judgment of a 5 year old. An obvious timid child whose eyes were dilated in her class photograph. Adorable as it might be with big blue eyes and sailor dress. I also apparently gained 8 pounds in 1st grade without growing even ¼” of an inch. Oh my!! Body shaming begins. . .
Still, these cards filled in with ink and saved by my mother for over 50 years I cannot bear to part –not yet. There’s always the possibility of art project or ceremonial burning at some future date. That and the program for “Hansel and Gretel” from 3rd or 4th grade. I had the part of Dawn Fairy. Non-speaking and magical. Perfect. My cousin was one of the 14 angels.
This is how I spent my weekend. Nursing a cold, enjoying an evening bath, reading up on the love or connection of “Twin Flame” and working on the “magical art of tidying up/purging” that is an on-going goal for 2018. Notice the ease and liberal use of the word “goal” –something I find very difficult to say or set or complete. Hence I prefer “dream”. This came up recently in conversation and in response to a friend who blogged about the difference between 99% and 100%. Basically it is COMMITMENT to the process and DISCIPLINE to a deadline. Hmm. And for me a big fear to put out on the table. So I say it proudly knowing at least on some level I can own a goal. In this case it is definitive. I’m dealing with stuff. It’s concrete and tangible and I don’t have to leave the house or commit to a time or daily practice. Aha!! Maybe it’s just a dream afterall.
Afterall I am a dreamer though uncertain of the dream. I’m working on that too. A specific life affirming or life changing DREAM. Yes, in all caps. For without the dream how do you actually achieve it –the shift? The move to Europe. The commitment to love. The manuscript of some kind be it poetry or essay or ramblings of an unconventional mind. The action. Oh that’s right. A dream is ephemeral. A goal takes action. It’s like a pop-up/alert on your computer. Okay. Go away. I don’t really want to be reminded but I am. I struggle with fear to COMMIT to an ideal (even a yoga practice) opting to give my life to intuition or knowing or the law of attraction. Or luck. My experience in life is that people and jobs and ideas simply show up: by dream (of the nighttime kind), on the trail or literally knock at my front door. I suppose if I’m fine with that it works or maybe I’m making excuses –it’s possible. I’m willing to admit it. 2018 is about truth. About vulnerability. Ouch!! I’m breathing heavy and not in a sexy way. This dream/goal/opening up is not for the feint of heart. Which brings me back to “the dream” –-how does one go about achieving the dream/goal if you aren’t clear what the dream looks like? –an ephemeral vague “I want to walk around the world/write/be free” kind of dream. Time to be inventive. To open myself to the visible. To gifts of the possible. To extend a hand to commitment.
Life is accelerating in interesting ways or maybe I’m paying better attention. Crawling out of my shell for longer periods of time. Taking a whiff and a longer walk around the neighborhood, foraging onto tempting paths of curiosity and joy and truth. Opening my heart to intimacy and the possibility of love even if that leads to heartbreak on the horizon. I’m ready. It’s time.
Brenda is an artist. A Personal Assistant to interesting women and an occasional poet living in Santa Fe. She has a love of wine, writing, walking, water and travel. Her work is mostly in her head though has hung in a few galleries over the years and is published in Cirque Journal and Calyx.